5 Actionable Tips for Deciding One of the most frequent questions I get from readers and clients is this one. Should I leave? Should I leave my unhappy marriage? Should I leave the job I hate? Should I move across the country and start over in a new place?
When things are all but unbearably bad where were are, we want to get away from where we are. That’s perfectly normal.
Ask the real question...
The real question isn’t should I leave? The real question is, will things be better if I do? And the answer to that is, probably not so much.
Exception: Anyone who is in danger where they are should get out fast. That goes without saying. I’m saying it anyway.
But that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about things not being the way we want them where we are, and whether they will more likely be the way we want them somewhere else.
The answer is, unless we change ourselves first, our circumstances are going to be the same wherever we go.
We have a gravitational pull all our own!
Everything in our experience is a mirror. We live in a reflective universe. We are like planets, only instead of a gravitational pull, we have a vibrational pull. It acts differently on different things. Where gravity attracts anything with mass, vibration attracts only the things that vibrate on the same frequency.
Like tuning our radio frequency to get the music we are hearing, our vibrational frequency tunes in the experiences we are living. Things that match, gather in our orbit, and we see them over and over in our lives, playing out in various ways, but repeating the same basic energies.
Wherever we go, all the stuff in our orbit stays with us, in one form or another.
Then I can't leave?
Yes, you can. Just not yet. I’m not saying don’t leave at all. I’m saying the problem isn’t where you are. The problem is what you are.
The answer then, is to change your channel before making the move.
Say you hate your house, you are miserable in your house, and you spend every day noticing all the flaws your house has, how run down it is, how many repairs it needs, how ugly it looks, etc. So you just give it up and start looking for a different house.
You are tuned in to the channel playing “houses that make me miserable.” Any house that would be blissful for you is playing on a different channel. You can’t see them. They won’t show up for you. They are orbiting a different planet, not yours. Everything you are able to see right here, where you are currently tuned, will be likely to result in the same misery you already have at home.
And you can substitute “husband” or “job” or “diet” or “car” or anything at all for “house” in that scenario and it will be just as true.
How to change the channel
Here are some simple steps that you can take to adjust your frequency, and change your channel.
I know you’re sick of hearing it, but 15 minutes of silent (not guided) meditation each day will tune your dial every single time. Focus on white noise, count your breaths, and gently refocus every time the mind chatter comes in (which means about 1000 times.) It gets easier each time you do it.
Keep a journal or even take this one to social. Challenge yourself to write down (or post, or tweet or insta) at least 5 positive things about your day before you sleep that night. A gorgeous sunrise. All green traffic lights. A stranger complimenting your very cool leggings. A delicious snack. A smile. Anything. Keep track, and see how many positive things you can collect every day. 5 is a good minimum, but shoot for more.
Practice the art of appreciation. Not gratitude, those are 2 different things. Gratitude is being grateful, saying and expressing thanks. Appreciation is to bask in the thing you’re appreciating. So rather than just noticing good things throughout the day and tweeting them or journaling them, you pause if you can, when you notice each thing. Bask in that gorgeous sunrise. Let go of everything else, even if it’s just for one full minute, and just immerse yourself in it. Smile and relish that unprompted compliment. Get downright giddy about your green light traffic run. Savor that delicious snack. Putting our full focus on good things as they are happening is the art of presence.
Expand that habit of presence into more and more of our day. Don’t be thinking about work while taking the morning shower. Bask in the shower. Feel the warm water. Breathe the steam. Smell your favorite shampoo. Be there for the shower. Try to do that with as many moments and encounters as you can.
When dealing with others, be on the lookout for their most positive traits, and challenge yourself to spot them during the interaction. If you go into a conversation with another human expecting the worst from them, that’s what they will show you. Again, you are like gravity. You are pulling things into your orbit, but only things that match your vibe. So focusing on their good side will bring their good side into your presence. Even an ogre has a good side. (Ogres have layers!)
Want to go deeper?